Supporting Partners and Families of Individuals with ROCD
What is ROCD?
Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) where an individual experiences intrusive, distressing thoughts about their romantic relationship. These thoughts may cause them to question the love or commitment they feel for their partner, the suitability of the relationship, or the partner's worthiness. Although these doubts feel real and overwhelming, they are a symptom of ROCD, and not an indication of the true nature of their feelings or the relationship itself.
Common Signs and Symptoms of ROCD:
Obsessive Thoughts: Individuals may have recurring, unsettling thoughts about their relationship, including:
“Am I truly in love with my partner?”
“Is this the right relationship for me?”
“Is my partner good enough for me?”
Compulsive Behaviours: In response to these thoughts, individuals often engage in behaviours to reduce their anxiety or seek reassurance, such as:
Asking their partner for constant reassurance about their feelings.
Replaying past conversations or memories to look for signs of love or compatibility.
Comparing their partner to others to check if they are the “right” one.
OCD and Its Impact on What Matters Most
A key feature of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is that it tends to target the things that matter most to the individual, causing the maximum amount of distress. For someone with ROCD, this often means the disorder focuses on their romantic relationship, which can be one of the most emotionally significant areas of their life.
The distressing thoughts that come with ROCD can make them question the very foundation of their relationship—the love they feel, the suitability of their partner, or the stability of the future they’ve imagined together. These intrusive doubts don’t reflect reality but rather are a symptom of the disorder itself. By targeting what matters most to the person, OCD amplifies their anxiety and creates confusion, making it even harder to distinguish between genuine relationship concerns and the irrational fears driven by OCD.
This is why the impact of ROCD can feel so overwhelming—it's not just about managing a mental health condition; it's about managing the very thing they care about deeply: their relationship. Understanding this can help you, as a partner or family member, be more compassionate and patient as they work through these feelings in therapy.
Supporting a Loved One with ROCD in Therapy:
If your partner or loved one is in therapy for ROCD, there are several ways you can offer meaningful support while they work through their treatment.
Understand that the Doubts Are Symptoms, Not the Truth:
One of the most important things to remember is that the doubts your loved one is experiencing are part of the disorder, not a reflection of their true feelings or the state of the relationship. It's essential to distinguish between the intrusive thoughts that are symptoms of ROCD and the real love and commitment your partner feels towards you.
Encourage Their Therapy Process:
Your loved one’s therapist is guiding them to understand and manage their ROCD symptoms, and it's important to encourage their participation in this process. Gently remind your partner that therapy is a safe space for them to work on overcoming their compulsions and intrusive thoughts. Acknowledge their effort and progress, even if it feels slow at times.
Avoid Providing Reassurance:
While it may feel natural to reassure your partner when they express doubt or seek comfort, providing constant reassurance can inadvertently reinforce their compulsions. Reassurance-seeking is a common compulsion in ROCD, and it can temporarily reduce anxiety, but it will often make the doubts return more strongly. Instead, encourage your loved one to sit with their feelings of uncertainty and trust that the anxiety will lessen over time. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel uncertain, and that these feelings don't mean there is something wrong with the relationship.
Be Patient and Compassionate:
ROCD can be an incredibly stressful condition for both the individual experiencing it and their partner. It’s normal to feel frustrated, confused, or hurt at times, especially when doubts seem to be placed on you or the relationship. Offering compassion and patience is crucial. Your partner’s thoughts are not a reflection of their intentions or your relationship, but rather a symptom of the disorder. Offering kindness and support can help them feel safe in confronting these doubts.
Support Their Self-Compassion:
People with ROCD often struggle with guilt and self-criticism, especially when they feel their thoughts are irrational or causing harm to their partner. Gently encourage your loved one to practice self-compassion. Remind them that they are not alone in dealing with these thoughts, and that it's okay to struggle. Therapy can help them learn to be kinder to themselves and resist the need to act on these doubts.
Set Boundaries When Necessary:
While it’s important to be supportive, it’s also essential to set healthy boundaries. If your partner frequently seeks reassurance or engages in compulsive behaviours, it’s okay to kindly express that while you understand their distress, you're not able to provide reassurance. This is part of the therapeutic process of helping your loved one reduce these compulsive behaviours. You can offer to support them in other ways, such as attending therapy together or encouraging them to practice the coping strategies their therapist suggests.
Encourage Gradual Exposure:
One of the key therapeutic strategies for treating ROCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This involves gradually exposing your loved one to the situations or thoughts that trigger their anxiety (such as feeling uncertain about the relationship) while preventing them from performing their usual compulsive behaviours (like reassurance-seeking). You can offer emotional support during this process, but it’s important to remember that part of recovery involves allowing your loved one to face their fears without reinforcing the compulsions.
Take Care of Yourself:
Supporting someone with ROCD can be emotionally draining. It’s important to take time for your own self-care and seek support when needed. You might want to talk to a therapist or a support group for partners of people with OCD. This can help you process your own feelings and offer the best support possible to your loved one.
The Role of Therapy in Managing ROCD:
Therapy, particularly Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), is one of the most effective treatments for ROCD. Through therapy, individuals with ROCD learn to:
Identify and challenge their intrusive thoughts.
Reframe irrational beliefs about their relationship.
Gradually resist compulsive behaviours like reassurance-seeking.
Build resilience and tolerance for uncertainty in their relationship.
By understanding that these symptoms are part of a disorder and not a reflection of their true feelings, you can help your loved one stay committed to their therapy process and provide them with the support they need to heal.
Support Groups
The following groups offer support for partners of individuals with Relationship OCD (ROCD):
OCD Action’s Partner Support Group – Online support group for partners of people with OCD. Meets on the second and fourth Thursday of each month at 7 pm via Zoom. (ocdaction.org.uk)
OCD-UK Family & Friends Support Group – Online group offering peer support for family members and partners of those with OCD. Meetings on Tuesday evenings and Thursday mornings. (ocduk.org)
International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) Spouse/Romantic Partner Support Group – Virtual group based in the U.S. but open internationally. Meets twice a month to support partners in navigating OCD-related challenges. (iocdf.org)
Supporting someone with ROCD can be challenging, but with patience, understanding, and a commitment to the therapeutic process, you can help your loved one navigate this difficult condition. It’s important to separate the disorder’s symptoms from the reality of your relationship and to encourage them to continue working on their recovery. By offering compassionate support, avoiding reassurance, and respecting the therapeutic boundaries, you can help create a safe and supportive environment for healing and growth.
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